Values, Statesmanship, Competency, Infrastructure - A Shared Vision for a New America

These four principals highlighted tonight's Grass Roots Democratic Platform forum in Great Falls. Eight people, assisted by an able moderator, Chuck Tyler wove together an effective tapestry of issues in their discussion of primary concerns they would like to see addressed by the Democratic Party and its Presidential Nominee during the next four years. Though the overall discussion centered on domestic policy, the group was unanimous that foreign policy was of equal importance, one of its members pointing out that a balanced concern between domestic and foreign policy was indicative of a truly successful and responsible nation.

Topics ranging from disability rights through health care and on through concerns for foreclosures and clean energy proved interrelated, with strands connecting them together into an amazing tapestry that no member of the group could have imagined possible. The group was unanimous in expression of the need for effective change in our government from local to national level and in conviction that positive change could happen only with the shared conviction and combined energy and commitment of all.

Everyone there was excited to have an opportunity to voice their concerns as part of Democratic National Platform development and to be included in this process even though from such a thinly populated state as Montana with only three electoral votes at stake. Though the group was small, it was large in conviction and imaginative approaches to problems that presently face our nation. All members were together in appreciation of America's new opportunity to regain a positive role in the world community and take once again a position of real leadership in the areas of economic development, climate change and global cooperation.

Values emerged as the fundamental principal behind all initiatives, whether foreign or domestic. The essential question: "What values does this initiative show or represent?" was regarded as the essential first step in determining the worthiness of any undertaking. The group agreed there was a great yearning in America and in the world for a return to core values found in Barack Obama's Berlin speech as in other speeches during the campaign process.

The group further agreed that Obama's Berlin speech represented a true statesmanship not seen in a presidential candidate since John F. Kennedy. The group also agreed that a return to real statesmanship was the necessary ingredient for a successful American foreign policy, in contrast to the belligerent approach of the Bush administration. A foreign policy relying on statesmanship and diplomacy rather than intimidation, emphasizing America's role as a global partner rather than the sole surviving superpower was seen as essential for a positive American contribution to the world community.

Competency was seen as the essential requirement for administration members from the Presidential level on down whether in foreign or domestic policy. The group quickly agreed that competency and experience were not always synonymous. Though both incompetence and inexperience contributed to President Bush's leadership failures, incompetency alone plagued other administration figures despite their considerable experience.

The group agreed that a wise and competent President must surround him or herself with advisors and administrators that are fully knowledgeable and able to speak the truth as they see it. Evidence that incompetency has been the hallmark of the Bush administration concerning domestic management is shown by persistent economic mismanagement, natural disaster mismanagement, economic mismanagement and educational decline caused by insufficient support for educational institutions and initiatives. Potentially helpful initiatives like "No Child Left Behind" and, most notably, "Homeland Security" have languished for inadequate funding.

Bush administration foreign policy has centered largely on pursuing an unnecessary war that served to divert public attention from its inability to address complex global concerns in terms of specific issues. Instead, the Bush administration has persisted in a single-minded obsession with protracting the Iraq conflict while attempting to spread its particular brand of democracy. An agreement with North Korea to abandon nuclear weapons and the recent renewal of peace negotiations between Israel and the Palestinians are positive signs of an improved attitude during this administration's closing days.

Infrastructure was seen as the watch-word for future domestic policy. The group interpreted infrastructure in the broadest possible sense, extending from bricks and mortar to personnel. Whether we talk of crumbling bridges, declining educational or scientific institutions, declining health care and medical facilities, or shrinking expertise in all fields extending from scientific to philosophical and moral development, the group saw repairing and enhancing our infrastructure in all areas as essential to a healthy society.

Noting that all civilizations have prospered so long as their institutions remain healthy, innovative and productive, the group saw a healthy infrastructure as the primary indicator of a vital nation. Sadly, our infrastructure in all areas is presently in grave need of renovation. Crumbling highway bridges are significant not only for their sign of physical infrastructure decay but also as symbolic of intellectual, institutional and moral decline. The very fact that Obama's Berlin speech could sound as refreshing as it did speaks for an abiding hunger for a reemergence of these great ideals.

As well as supporting initiatives liable to be included in contributions to the '08 Democratic Platform based on their importance during the recent campaign, this group of eight people raised the following issues that may be unique either in their inclusion or in the particular way the group addressed them. Overall, the group saw resolution of issues of domestic and global concern as interrelated and equally beneficial to all.

Group members raised concern for disability issues as essential for this new platform as the Americans with Disability Act is presently under congressional review. Typically, people with disabilities are marginalized in American communities, while the Democratic Party stands for equal opportunity for all. Charity, together with minimal social assistance, often difficult to obtain and complicated to maintain are insufficient responses to the aspirations of those with disabilities wishing for a meaningful life of contribution and economic security. A nation-wide system of public transportation extending from viable local public transportation options to statewide and nationwide transportation networks is essential to meet not only the growing needs of those with disabilities but also to serve the growing needs of the American population as a whole. Expanding local and statewide bus service and expanding Amtrak to be the national passenger rail system it was intended to be may provide specific starting points for this local, state and national undertaking. This effort will require federal leadership to make it possible and to unite the pieces of the puzzle together into a whole.

The maturing baby boomer generation provides a growing population of elderly people who will need public transportation as their increasing numbers exponentially grow, reflecting those unable or unwilling to drive because of age related conditions that often include individuals within the ranks of those with disabilities. Improved and enhanced public transportation will be of immeasurable benefit to improved energy efficiency, reducing our overall energy burden and lessening our impact on the national environment and global climate. Finally, people with disabilities deserve recognition as a group making significant contributions to our society.

The group also saw improved public transportation as the most effective and immediate way to address rising energy costs and effects of global warming. Funding cuts during the Bush administration have crippled local public transportation initiatives while further crippling the already underfunded Amtrak system. Viable public transportation on local, state and national levels can insure effective communication for everyone in the future, equalizing opportunity regardless of circumstance and enhancing possibilities for shared prosperity for the greater benefit of all, not to mention the improved health of every community.

Rising energy costs mandate that we look to improved public transportation as an essential alternative to private automobile transportation, whether or not energy efficiency improves to the point that automobile emissions no longer threaten our climate. The possible dissolution of the airline industry because of higher fuel costs increases the imperative of improved ground level public transportation networks nationwide.

Meeting the global climate challenge posed by such innovators as Al Gore and T. Boone Pickens was seen as the overriding priority of the group's discussion. The Bush administration has delayed progress in meeting this challenge because of its addiction to oil and associated profit. We now have only a few remaining years of viable opportunity for meaningful reduction in fossil fuel emissions before uncontrollable climate change may be irreversible. We therefore need to take immediate action to begin worthwhile national initiatives and then supply leadership and resources for world involvement.

We as a group call for the Democratic Party to harness American energy and ingenuity behind initiatives to meet the global climate challenge that will galvanize the American people in the way other great American initiatives have done in the past. This is not a time for half measures; we must fully accept this global climate challenge for the sake of all humanity.

Other issues that received priority attention were improved support for educational opportunity and increased funding for educational institutions from kindergarten through university levels. Equal opportunity for health care was considered vital for a healthy and productive society, with no possibility for denial of health needs and a consensus view of proactive health care approach as essential in a caring society. The group further supports an end to the present federal moratorium on stem cell research. Presently, individuals suffer who might have found cure because of government policy borne of ignorance alone. The present moratorium on stem cell research has also led to a national brain drain to other nations where productive research is encouraged.

The group was also united in support of a foreclosure moratorium for those unwittingly caught in the housing and mortgage crisis and in support of institutions that acted in good faith to support a sound market. Declining stock values combined with a declining dollar are not only damaging to our national economy but to world prosperity as well. These trends should not be allowed to continue without appropriate oversight and regulation, especially when a few stand to profit while many suffer from unforeseen consequences.

It was a wonderful experience to be with this group as part of the open platform developed by the Democratic Party this year. There are also several other groups meeting in Montana and numerous groups convening throughout the United States to pool their insight into making a truly national contribution to this exciting new movement. The level of insight shown by this small group of people in a rather small Montana city gives testimony to the great wisdom present within the American population as a whole.

Growls

I felt consumed by anger all day today, no matter what I tried to do to rid myself of the feeling. First, I was cross with Reggie, who gave me a leadership contest on the way to work. I immediately became the authoritative master - not relenting until the end of the afternoon - delivering crisp commands and demanding immediate obedience.

I was then cross with a client for leaving a message to which I had no time to respond, requesting a later appointment on a day when I had everything tightly scheduled, with his appointment first. I was then cross with myself for not finding a software program I needed for an afternoon appointment I knew would be difficult. All-in-all, I wasn't tracking smoothly, and I failed to stop and take time to discover what issue may have been the real source for my frustration.

Anger with Reggie bubbled up all day. It was a control issue, and like most control issues, I had to realize and accept that I was the one responsible, not Reggie. I had unwittingly done something in a way that led him to have unwarranted expectations. A "brilliant" idea of mine had gone awry and now bad patterning was occurring to mar his usual attentive performance. His attention was now so much on reward that he was totally ignoring his task whenever we reached a curb.

We fixed it, but I never took the chance to laugh at myself for making such a mess of things – I just demanded perfect performance from Reggie. Fortunately, I kept my temper, and fortunately, he was spot on in his performance once he got things back in balance with better leadership from me.

I adjusted my schedule to compensate for the client's wish for a later appointment, leaving him a message to confirm an early afternoon time. He never called back, and though I realized early on that my morning schedule and then even my afternoon one were much easier without seeing him, I still growled about it to my work colleagues whenever I got the chance.

I found the software still in the computer CD drive where I had last used it. Fortunately in this instance I was just so glad to have discovered it that I felt a little relief.

That afternoon, I met with an elderly client and his wife, both of whom I knew could get into difficulties and misunderstandings with each other over things that concern them. They are both highly intelligent and also intense – nothing like Ruth and me of course, especially not in being old! I advised the gentleman to try to work patiently with this new equipment and not lose his temper. His response was, "I never lose my temper!" and his wife started in on a lecture about the destructive nature of anger. I finally got an inner laugh at least, mostly at myself. It felt good to tell them I certainly did lose my temper!

Returning to the office, I blasted off a cryptic e-mail to my program director for unfairly criticizing one of my employees. At least I felt I could give some self-righteous growls here, but somehow I remained unconvinced the excuse was sufficient.

I came home to growl about a neighbor who is again refusing to pick up after her cute border-collie puppy, trying to slip the puppy out at night and early morning when she thinks no one notices. Even more than that, she is also trying to fool the absentee owner of her apartment and everyone else that she has no dog there at all. My rational for anger here was what I considered her dishonesty, not to mention my concern that Reggie might consume some of these daily tidbits if I failed to notice. I wonder though whether I was perhaps begrudging the discipline of being honest and of always, without exception, picking up after Reggie no matter what the circumstance.

Before going to bed tonight, I finally gave myself time to ask what the trouble really was. A little voice inside said it was because I had given myself no time to write for the past two days. I growled, "Well, I've had to work for the past two days and I haven't had time! – You know I like to write in the morning, but I also need some sleep!" Then, when the voice persisted I said, "OK, I'll get up early and write tomorrow morning!"

Then I couldn't sleep. My stomach felt tight and my legs were restless. I thought, "there's nothing here that a good love session wouldn't cure!" - but it seemed unfair to awaken the sleeping beauty beside me. I felt sure to be considered worse than a frog if I did. I got up and ate some peanut butter with a spoon instead. Well, that was good! Then I sat down at the computer to see how it would work to publish a blog post directly from MS Word. Title: "New Post," message text: "Test message." Low and behold, it worked like a charm!

Then the voice said, "OK, sucker, why not just sit there and write about being angry all day! So I did, and now I feel much better.

Good Night!

Relationship and the Ground of Being

I’ve been reading a book called the Holographic Universe. The theory is that reality is in something like a holograph, with each unit containing an image of the whole. The implication is that all things appearing separate are interconnected and that rejuvenation or repair are possible through simple conviction that it can be done. This conviction alone sets the process free to happen. There are numerous examples in the text to support the idea that the only thing standing in the way is lack of conviction.

The author presents his message as theory, not fact, an attempt to get closer to ultimate reality. The idea is that the rejuvenating force comes from the “ground of all being” found at the core of each apparently individual entity. This is not to deny the reality of individual entities, but to show their relatedness at the source.

Without dealing with physical healing here I want to concentrate on emotional and relationship healing. It seems certain that the same resistance to spontaneous physical healing also pervades our conviction about emotional healing to some extent. Though we are open to the possibilities of healing the emotional wound so that it no longer remains an open sore, we may be more resistant than we think to the possibility that emotional hurt can be cured altogether so that we are in a sense “made new.”

This is the language of the Christian tradition, now accepted as metaphorical by some believers and as real by others who say that simply declaring belief in Jesus as savior is enough to make one new or at least put one solidly on the path.

Suprisingly for my usual way of thinking, this last option seems truer to the mark, though it may too often conceal a denial or smoothing over of continuing issues rather than fundamental change. Conviction that genuine renewal is possible has to be the starting point, whether or not a personage like Jesus is employed. Jesus or God may be invoked as a focus on the “ground of all being” and therefore the ground of “our” being, but concentration on this center of being is the necessary element as I see it.

If we are truly separate, as we usually envision ourselves to be, then we have only our particular power and physical resources on which to rely. If we are connected to the center as a source, however, then we have a timeless source of being from which to draw power and renewal at any time. The potential truth of this concept on some level is hard to deny. Whether actual or not, the concept has potential to draw all possible energy out of our own resources for healing and renewal.

This concept also has potential for self deception, however, and that is where sound judgment is necessary. I once watched an elderly Christian Science practitioner die of skin cancer, which started as a small facial blemish, because she was convinced that only her belief could heal her. Members of her community considered she died from a lack of faith, a judgment I could never place upon this dear lady who lived her life with great serenity even in the last moments of her increasing pain and disfigurement.

Perhaps this lady was more connected to the center than were her fellow believers. The source of all being may have been the origin for her ability to endure suffering while maintaining the dignity so important to her sense of self integrity. This preserved integrity may have been more essential to her than physical survival.

Nothing is wasted. Whether aware of it or not, we go from this consciousness back into the conglomerate of universal being as part of universal awareness, whatever that awareness may be and no matter how much our individual atoms or spirit may knowingly experience it.

The source is without judgment, like a stream of pure water it is there for anyone to drink. We can find renewal there no matter what our experiences have been and no matter what trouble we may have caused ourselves and others in this life. Renewal is simply a matter of drinking the pure water and taking it in fully.

A plant is alive so long as it can draw life giving water through its system; in reality we are the same. The tree is entirely in tune with its environment – its universe – when it can grow, it flourishes, when it is dormant in cold weather, it waits. Perhaps we would do well to be so attuned to our universal energy that we could be so responsive to its seasons. There are times to grow and change and also times to rest. We are wise if we can know and respond to these seasons for our own lives.

The extent to which we find ourselves concerned or bothered by a relationship issue may indicate the extent to which the issue indicates personal problems we have yet to address. It may be better to look to these issues rather than continuing to attempt resolution of an apparently implacable issue with another person. It is surprising that once we have relevant issues resolved within ourselves the relationship conflict seems to dissolve. We can then either reconcile with the other person without difficulty, or we can view their continued struggles with personal issues with both empathy and sympathy. The important thing for us is that the struggle is no longer part of us though it may remain a problem for someone else.

The emotion we experience when thinking about the issue may faithfully indicate the extent to which we have truly resolved issues within ourselves. If we feel an increase in heart rate and a tightening in the chest when we think about or describe the issue, then we may have further personal work to do before making final resolution. If, on the other hand, we spontaneously feel even an increasing calmness when considering the issue, then we can be sure we have reached inner resolution and ultimate healing. We can then observe the other person’s struggles with a certain detachment; any renewed feeling will show reconnection with something we might rather avoid. We can become so addicted to adrenalin rushes from involvement with stormy relationships that we never pull out of them. We never look at our own baggage when so engaged, perhaps masking our greatest fear for what we may find in the tumult of conflicting emotions.

If we can stand back and observe not only the other person, but more importantly ourselves, then we can see clearly the path we should take toward personal resolution. This path will invariably take us into our own issues and our own being. More importantly, though, it will show us clearly that resolution is far simpler than we might have imagined and there is no reason to fear. The whole experience can become more like fun than anything else and we can feel the enjoyment of personal growth. We can remain ready to share this with the other person when they make the same journey.

A good counselor will tell a client that he or she simply provides a safe environment and receptive attention for the client to do their own therapy. We can learn from counseling to provide this environment for ourselves on a daily basis and within this environment we can eventually learn to listen to our inner selves without judgment. We then observe ourselves with the same detachment we use to observe others, obtaining the same clarity of understanding needed to resolve issues and encourage further growth. This detachment takes daily exercise and practice for all types of relationship, whether with self, with a partner, with family or with a wider community.

The detached, observing self is in touch with the ground of its being and can therefore see calmly, dispassionately and accurately. When anything like fear or judgment creeps in, then the individual can know that the source connection is threatened and the causes for these emotions can then be examined with renewed detachment and even curiosity as to the reasons for their reemergence.

All being is an nexus of interrelated relationships. We become more aware of this vital nexus of relationships as we become more centered in our individual sense of being. We are then aware that even the simplest of elements has consciousness of some type and that each element plays a vital part in our total existence. We can view our world with increased appreciation as vital to our total experience of self. We lose this sense of interconnectedness when we become self-absorbed or turned in on our selves alone. To live this way is somewhat like refusing to drink from a stream of fresh water even though it flows right at our feet.

Drink every day and be wise and aware and in harmony with the universe of all things!

Getting in Touch with our Feelings

How do we get in touch with our feelings? It often seems as though there is a wall between our consciousness and what we feel. It seems as though we might just be able to get there, but not quite. I think this awareness of the wall and the almost but not quite accessability to our feelings and emotions is the beginning of the process. When we are really out of touch is when we don’t sense these unapproachable feelings and emotions at all.

I’m convinced that the only way to dissolve the wall and approach these feelings is through active listening – the kind of listening that is non-judgmental. It may help to do this type of listening with one other person or with a group. Counseling may often provide the best method, and sessions with a good counselor trained in active listening may be necessary as a first step.

The necessary element though is to suspend self-judgment. Counseling can provide the safe environment in which to do this for the first time. The amazing thing is that we fear to releace ourselves from self-judgment, as though we fear we will lose ourselves entirely without this judging voice defining who we are. A good, well moderated support group can also provide a useful environment for self discovery and exploring feelings and emotions, usually during or after personal counseling. Another good environment is within a conscious relationship with someone else commited to the process of self discovery and eager to share in the process of active listening to explore hidden feelings and emotions that invariably arise each day to niggle at us until we make contact and explore what they are about.

These background or below the surface feelings and emotions are sometimes strictly contemporary reactions to current events, but they are more often there because of past events triggered by present experiences. We are often fooled into thinking that what we are doing just now is too insignificant to cause any feeling or emotion such as those we sense in the background. This idea, I submit, is another suggestion of the judging voice within us that will attempt to hold us back from contacting these feelings and emotions found at the core of who we fully are. The real wonder and irony of it all is that what is most profound is almost always revealed by things that can be seen and experienced as purely ordinary and even unimportant. It could be that the judging voice within us also keeps us from acknowledging the true wonder of even the everyday things we do.

Take the analogy of our suddenly knowing for certain this would be our last day in this existence: suddenly everything would seem extraordinarily special, no matter how insignificant it seemed to us previously. We would then put aside the judgment voice in our brave determination to be fully who we are for these last precious moments. Of course I don’t have to remind anyone that we are never really aware of when these final moments will be and we all will sense the true brevity of our lives when we do reach the final moments. Why not suspend judgment and become fully aware now? It may be as easy as seeing absolutely everything, including – and maybe most importantly – ourselves as pure miracle and not something to be taken for granted. When you think about it, what is the statistical likelihood that we would be here at all when we accept the vast universe as perhaps nearly if not entirely empty of conscious life other than ourselves and our fellow earth creatures?

The final and most essential way to self discovery – full exploration of those blocked feelings and emotions – is through an active listening dialogue within ourselves. This inner dialogue is something to practice everyday once we reach the point where we can attempt it. Counseling, group and relationship settings can help us get there and they may also be essential in furthering our progress once self dialogue is well underway. These settings may also provide a welcoming environment to share new discovery with others on similar quests. Personal dialogue can happen through active meditation that can be seen as a dialogue without words in that it is an opening of the self through varying means for deeper awareness and communication with universal being at the core of each individual self. This awakening can also occur through journaling, an active conversation with the self in which the judgment voice is suspended at least for that time. Surviving the journaling session without losing definition without the judgment voice there to insure it may encourage us to eventually do without it altogether.

Simply dialoging with ourselves within our minds may help to get the journaling or meditation process started, but without structure it may stumble into self accusation within only a few moments. This is why a specific mantra, meditative prayer or structured meditation on a certain topic or topics is necessary if this type of conscious dialogue is chosen for meditation. The method we choose will depend on who we are as individuals and where we are on our journeys. The feeling that we want to explore a different or additional type of meditation indicates that something within us is calling us to do so.

Each of these activities from counseling to meditation takes dedicated time and concentration. We usually devote the time for counseling sessions without too much question as we usually pay for them. Group sessions are sometimes an extension of individual counseling and we may easily stick regularly with them as part of that process. Regularity in relationship dialogue and personal meditation is harder to establish as an ongoing discipline. The couple must share equally in a sense of dedication to it if relationship dialogue is to prosper. It will take setting aside time to explore together at regular intervals, preferably at least once each day at a specific time and within a specific setting. These can be seen as ensuring that partners share in a conscious relationship and as part of assisting each other in personal development as well as in deepening shared understanding of each other and the shared relationship.

Personal meditation can develop even without relationship sharing of course. Fundamental to all of this is recognition that even meditation involves relationship with the self, the relationship that is fundamental to all domestic and social relationships. Our outer relationships become healthy and sustainable when we reach good relationship with ourselves. That relationship happens when we can finally suspend the judging voice within each one of us.

Think of a good friendship you may have! If your friend tells you about something do you habitually respond with criticism or do you habitually respond with support? Though you may supply advice when needed, I would think that no friendship would survive on a diet of constant criticism. Would you regularly share with anyone whom you knew would only criticize you in response?

The judging voice within us may define us more in terms of what we are not than in terms of what we really are. We may see intellectually that we are more than that voice allows but we remain emotionally tied to its definition as though we are afraid somehow that we will lose our center if we refuse what it says. It can be a composite of all the negatives we’ve ever heard. It may say constantly, “You stupid child!” even in the midst of our greatest accomplishments. It seeks to keep us pinned down within that negative and fixed view whereas the real dynamic self is always changing and evolving. It could be that something as simple as fear of change may be at the source of our reluctance to turn loose of this judging voice. Change always means that something will outgrow our conception (definition) of what is. When we change, our self concept has to grow to match.

We want to see who we are as a fixed and sure thing in the midst of all the uncertainty of the outside world. If we set ourselves free to fully respond to life, free of judgmental restraint, then we come to see ourselves as dynamic, always evolving (changing). We then come to realize that self understanding is an ongoing, dynamic process as well that necessitates the types of self exploration described above. In meditation we recognize we are essentially asking “who am I today?– in this moment – in this specific now.”

Humanity and the Ground of Being

While in Iowa I dreamed one night that I was to attend lessons with a famous voice teacher. There is more to the dream than I can remember. I entered the room with another singer and her pianist, who was to play for me also. The teacher was a younger man than me; I was already grey haired in the dream. He also wore a swallow tail coat, with tails that were unusually long. I don’t remember anyone singing during the lesson time, but we did talk. He was there as part of a voice symposium being put on by the university. The location seems to have been more or less Atlanta.

Another singer and her pianist came in at the end of the lesson to take their turn. They immediately greeted me like a long lost friend. I couldn’t recognize them, but then realized the pianist was a childhood choir director or mine who had also been an excellent pianist. Later I introduced Ruth to the voice teacher, but stumbled over her name. I felt the fear of confusion in a high pressure moment. I thought I was confusing Ruth with another friend named Ruth, so I began searching for the right name, “Mary” – no, that wasn’t right. She teased me for it, and I said defensively, “Well, I’ve only done this once and you’ve done it a number of times!

There was subway travel in the dream and that seems to indicate to me tunneling back into other realities. A good deal of the dream seemed underground. Recalling it, I realized the two people to whom I assigned names didn’t look at all like the people in actual life. Ruth looked like someone entirely different than who she is and my waking mind finds more similarity with Ruth Singer, though I didn’t think of the person as being Ruth Singer in the dream.

The dream seems like a subconscious attempt to make sense or pattern out of what seems unrelated past events and associations. It seems like an attempt to draw elements of my life together into a meaningful whole. I can see possible echoes of events during the previous day, notably the reading we did before sleep and talking about Elvira’s past events.

Uncertain identities and location seem to indicate an attempt to pull entirely disparate experiences together into something from which the mind can find some sense or pattern. My life can seem like a series of unrelated endeavors on one level. Some of the dream may have come from my talking so much last night about my work in Atlanta and people I knew there, something I haven’t done very much. We are like amoebas swimming in a vast sea of experience, touching first one particle of experience and then another. Our identities are fragile, this perhaps brought up by discussion of bi-polar and multiple personality individuals.

How do we build a strong sense of individuality without a secure sense of past and supporting personalities? Most people have what seems to me to be an unbroken thread of past relationships and associations with a fairly straight forward purpose to their lives. But this is from my perspective and it may not seem so to them. My life seems fragmented with segments ended with broken love relationships, my life centered on singing, teaching and then social work without a strong uniting thread. I try to delve into the past to bring more value into the present.

Again the book we are reading comes into focus. Aila becomes re-identified in each community she visits; she now tries to pull all those experiences together and delve into the ancestral past in her dream in the white cave. She doesn’t know her original identity. She senses from dreams that she has circled back, led by Creb, into a primeval community home. The rock poised to fall for centuries now threatens to entomb them all.

Certainly revitalizing some past relationships may help me pull things together as it did during our recent visit to Atlanta. I can reawaken communication. Writing though is the chief means for me to pull the threads of experience together to draw on their combined power. Living only the day to day experience of mostly work related endeavor and things specific to our home in Great Falls may be only fragmenting without the energy of writing to draw the strands of experience together. Writing is like the stitching that unifies sections of a quilt into a pattern or at least into a whole made of unrelated colors and designs.

Writing causes me to search through the scrap heap in ways and with an intensity I wouldn’t expect. The selection of textures and colors is unplanned and seems to happen almost as though the elements selected themselves. It sometimes seems as though another voice writes through me in that I don’t usually have the synthesis or even the content of what appears on the page before I start writing. Occasionally something will shape itself entirely in my mind and I then have only to write it down. More often though it is a gradual unfolding as it is this morning, with a pattern unfolding as I go. In this case the pattern seems to suggest or even demand itself.

I don’t have a sense of outside voice this morning. The sense of another voice may be an illusion created by a deeper element of my mind speaking through the purely conscious mind to find expression. If so, then the cohesion, or the artistry to make it, is already within me. I want to be aware of the extent to which this connects me to the ground of being and how it may allow the ground of being to have voice through what I write. The possibility of such a thing is there, even if reflected from other spirits on to me. But it then becomes a part of self as our separation from the ground of being is an illusion, or probably so.

To me it is possible and even probable that the ground of being has or had no pre-concept of what it was doing in engendering the limitless variety of creation we might encounter in the universe and that we can certainly encounter on this planet. It seems likely to me that the whole thing was or is more organic than intellectually intentional, more female than male – though certainly not polarized in such a way. While certain principles must work within this unfolding it seems to me that it is humanity alone that gave voice to them. The Ten Commandments and all such things are therefore purely our creation in spoken form, or perhaps more effectively, the expression of all being through us. What they express however is much more simple than the ten specific statements, or others like them, would indicate at first.

The essential thing or message from the ground of being comes from what it is and what it exemplifies not from what it says. Cohesion has to be the guiding principle, enriching everything with energy from everything else. Giving out in a profusion of forms for all situations and not holding back in any instance from exuberant manifestation of all possibilities for living things. What is common for the artist in such creation is love, joy and an exuberant treasuring of the work purely for the wonder of it all. This, I think, is what the ground of being would share – to be filled with wonder and love for all things and by extension to base all our actions on that love and wonder. Jesus comes close to this when he simplifies all the law into one principal: “treat others as you want them to treat you!”

It is at least simple and effective, even though the expressed wonder of creation appears only in a few parables. The Buddha also states is quite simply, though that tradition also develops a myriad of rules to govern conduct, moving away from source connection into pure community regulation. The Tao is also as simple.

All this shows the great teachers had connection with the ground of being and its outpouring of creative energy constantly giving birth to all things. Humankind alone in our experience is responsible for pure destruction. This in itself is a grave warning to avoid our grandiose sense of individuality and superiority in creation and to concentrate instead on our relationship with and through all things and our grounding in the source of all being.

Auras and Energy - Traveling Home, July 12, 2008

We are traveling back towards Montana on a clear breezy day that is quite cool for mid July. The day started out cloudy as we left Inwood, but it was clear by the time we reached Sioux Falls.

I was thinking this morning about how people always talk about “seeing “ auras. I suppose they are fantastic with their varied colors and shifting patterns. Perhaps I will be able to see them someday. I have seen my own crown chakra, or at least felt sure that I perceived it. I don’t remember whether I have seen anyone else’s crown chakra - I think not. Perceiving the crown chakra is seeing a strong iridescent blue that isn’t like anything else I know. I haven’t perceived this for quite a while though, but I haven’t been tuned into looking for it either. This I saw with inner vision though, not with physical outer vision.

I am more interested in the concept of sensing energy fields rather than physically seeing them. I think this is what we do when we feel a certain way when we are around different people. Pending on who we are and who they are these sensations vary in intensity. We may feel extremely comfortable with one person or extremely agitated around another. Some people seem to agitate others for no discernable reason, or at least no reason that can be accounted for by their actions.

We conceive of ourselves as purely solid or physical. In reality we are swirling energy from the ground up. Atoms combine to form molecules and eventually assemble all the formations to make what we are. – energy arrangements that have this form and texture when perceived on a certain level. On another level, the purely energy level, we could pass right through each other and perhaps not notice a thing, or certainly not notice the body forms we perceive now. This may not be news to anyone reading this, but we usually avoid thinking about it even though we may know.

This makes it more comprehensible that we are each surrounded by an energy field that is discernable to others on some level whether they are consciously aware of it or not. In fact it would be more remarkable that we would not be surrounded by such a field than that we are. These energy fields have been photographed in fact, so there is objective proof of their presence. Even the night photography that senses temperature gradations relates to an outpouring of energy and temperature is certainly part of this field.

Those practicing the healing art, raki, sooth the energy fields of their clients without physically touching the body. This reputedly rebalances the energy field and thus alleviates suffering and promotes physical and psychological healing.

When we are attuned to it we can be aware of someone next to us without physically seeing them or even be aware of someone in the next room. We often sense when someone is staring at us, responding with the sudden need to look back. People newly blind however can self-consciously feel that everyone in the room is staring at them when no one is. Either they become more aware of communal energy in a crowd of people and therefore sense others are staring, or they are overcome by pure self-consciousness. I think the former option deserves considerable attention rather than assuming the latter.

I think we tend to think of everything in almost purely visual terms because of the dominant position we have given that sense. Feeling is third in our usual hierarchy, next to hearing that in turn follows vision. We certainly could benefit from becoming more conscious of energy fields as we work and play together. All of us who have performed a play or opera night after night are aware of the combined energy of audience and performing ensemble that makes each event unique in its own way. Everything will seem difficult for all involved on some nights, while on other nights all the energy will flow together for a superb performance. Audiences will audibly respond differently at different points also, somehow triggered as a group. Comedies are particularly suitable for noticing this interaction as they demand audience response, but the intensity between audience and performers can vary considerably in more serious works.

Any charismatic speaker or politician senses the energy in an audience and uses it to his or her advantage. This is also basic to acting and to performance of any type. You have to get a sense of having the group with you and for knowing exactly what to do to encourage this to happen. It is all instinctive and there is nothing objective upon which to base your assessment of what you need to do. You just feel it. Feeling is a different and very powerful way of knowing that few of us use to full potential.

The other thing I thought about was that any of us could probably ask the type of passage from this world that we want if we simply concentrate on it and believe its possibility. We consider ourselves victims of circumstance and we therefore accept the hap-hazard appearance of whatever affliction will bring down the curtain. By designing it, we may avoid the hap-hazard occurrence and encourage something closer to what we would like if not exactly that. I would at least like to behave as though this idea is possible. We can certainly do more by thinking we have some influence over our environment than by behaving as though we have none. It is certain too that this approach can have value in all areas of our lives, not the least of which is simply how we react to events we encounter. We can at least control our reactions.

Reggie at Rushmore

On a clear, beautiful July afternoon we visited the Black Hills and Mt. Rushmore on the way home to Montana. It was the first time for me and the first occasion for Ruth to visit there in a long time. Though I knew it was because they seem black against the horizon because of their thick covering of evergreens, I wondered whether the hills actually gained their name because so much of their rock is gray to black in hue. They also seem dark because of the needle formation of so much of the dark rock against the sky.

What interests me here though is the Mt Rushmore carving itself and the experience of visiting there.

Does the artist create design, or is the final development a combination of some inner spirit of material and the artist’s effort? Especially in the shadowed afternoon light, the historical figures seemed to me to rise out of the rock as if still dreaming, almost ghostly appearances from their respective eras. In shadow, they seemed hardly distinguishable from the rock face itself when I first looked through a strong monocular. Then they seemed to gradually appear, first Washington, who stands out more prominently, then Lincoln, and finally Jefferson and then Teddy Roosevelt. Photographs taken in morning light and enhanced for magazines make the images appear far more obvious to me.

I was amazed at what a tourist haven this is even though I should have known it would be this way. To walk to the base of the carving you first park in a lot some distance away and then proceed through a visitor center arcade, then through a walkway with all the state flags crisscrossed overhead, with the date of each stat’s admission to the union displayed. I was surprised to remember when Ruth read it out to me that Georgia was the fourth state to be admitted to the new union. Ruth also told me that the visitors center was previously the closest vantage point on the carving.

There was a constant buzz of people sound, punctuated by repeated cries of child and adult amazement over the presence of a working guide dog in their midst. The constant focus for nearly everyone though was the carving itself looming overhead. People gazed at history in rapt attention, often with ice-cream cones in hand.

For Reggie, the walk was an advanced exercise in ascending and descending stairs of all formations while ignoring the constant proximity of curious people and other people oblivious to his presence as they brushed by or passed in front of him without noticing they had obstructed his progress. Reggie handled all this in his usual unflappable manner, but he was ready for quite a “Reggie Party” when we finished what must have seemed to him to be an unending passage of the President’s Walk.

The carving design was to have been something quite different at first. There was an initial attempt to represent the Declaration of Independence among the figures, but the writing apparently wasn’t visible from a distance. This left the figures alone. There was then an attempt to carve the figures with exposed torsos, but the rock beneath the granite layer from which the faces are carved was too brittle. The faces still took doctoring to shape because of cracking rock, and they still need maintenance to keep them in place. The result though was something more appealing to me than full figures would have been.

These faces seem more part of the rock itself, less sculpted in relief than they would otherwise have been. We went later for a glimpse of Crazy Horse, not anywhere near completion and anything but subtle. It appears to me to be nothing short of destruction of a landscape.

The interesting thing too is how the artist grew in understanding and appreciation of these historical figures as he worked. It became as much a process of internal growth as it was of outward activity. The long process and numerous forced changes of plan enhanced this deepening. If a work of art represents a spiritual journey of awakening, then this process certainly exemplifies this pattern to the full.

If future human generations were to lose historical connection by some calamity, they would then most likely worship these figures as some type of deity representations. They would be caught up by the mysterious presence of these four figures here and impressed by the mystery of their creation. There is an almost religious zeal in the present tourists, even if hidden by the noisy bustle and the ice-cream cones. People are more than simply curious at heart about what these figures represent. Even if the initial experience is shallow, it may deepen in memory as the individual matures.

It was a far more transcendent experience for me than I had imagined it could be. I had always maintained a cynicism about the Rushmore carving, thinking of it as over exuberant patriotism and supposing I would rather the landscape spoke for itself. More than being imposed on the landscape, however, these figures seem to rise out of it, and it is significant now to have these presences represented near the center of our continental nation with Alaska now included. This effort involved many lives, some of people finding work during the depression by being here. They are to be remembered also.

From here we drove west from the black hills into the Wyoming landscape and the real West at last. I felt glad to be in this Western environment again. If I have to leave it, then I will want to come back. There is something special about the Wyoming landscape. It has a particular ruggedness that can be seen in some parts of Montana as well, but that isn’t as predominant. I was glad to travel this landscape in the evening light and to arrive finally in Gillette for our overnight stay.

Reggie and Me - Lessons in Relationship

I could see huge clouds overhead that first July morning in Inwood Iowa appearing grey against a light blue sky, but they took subtle colors of silver to dusky orange as they were gradually touched with rays from the rising sun. While we were out the sun rose to just above the horizon, giving its first touches to nearby treetops and houses before we started back in.

The breeze felt cool and refreshing to me and I just threw the rubber Frisbee to Reggie and ran to see whether he would keep up with me. Running to the top of the little rise just before the road, I looked back to find him still there, his dark form just visible to me against the grass, waiting for me to play tug.

I called him and he seemed to just toss his head as if to say “you come and get it!” I called him again and stooped down to slap my knee, both teasing him to come and also following my instinct to have him obey my call.

He then ran up the sloping lawn toward me but instead of stopping he ran ahead and then circled back, passing me by and inviting a chase I accepted. We then played tug and throw until the sun touched the land.

The incident made me conscious of the growing communication between Reggie and me. It’s not a mind reading game as some describe it, its more a learning to intuit meaning behind certain stances and movements - and the two of us are getting really good at it as we come to know each better and develop patterns together. It also takes trust, especially for the dog, to know that you can depend on communicating this way.

I’ve learned for instance that Reggie will refuse a come command at times when he needs to relieve himself before getting into a car or entering the house. He’ll stand sideways to me, indicating that he wants to go another direction. He then moves off with gathering intention as I move towards him. He’ll then quickly do what he needs to do as soon as he finds a suitable place.

He’ll also station himself in front of an outside door when he wants to be taken out. He doesn’t talk, but he adopts the same determined stance. Fully sighted companions seem to read his expression, but I have to go by the big things – the way he stands and the way he moves in harness. If he needs relieving while in harness he’ll hold off as long as he can, but then he’ll start moving jerkily and pulling longingly toward the curb of a suitable spot whenever he can.

Communication about relieving when I’m writing or otherwise occupied is less defined but I’m becoming more tuned to the signals. The difference between this and Reggie just wanting attention is that following scratching on the head and shoulders he will start to roll over and loll about rather than settling on the floor beside me. Continuous lolling on his back is usually, though not absolutely always, an indication that Reggie needs a piss. I can usually be sure by knowing where he is on his schedule.

Reggie also has special communication while on harness, and he even told us yesterday that he wanted to work rather than walk on lead while Ruth was walking with us. His special communication is a nose tap on my left shin whenever he feels I need to pay a little attention to something or when he wants to know whether or not I am aware of something coming up. At times this movement is a definite statement about a change ahead and at others the tap is more a means of checking in. Slowing the pace with a tap definitely means there’s a change ahead, usually an irregular pavement or approaching curb.

Reggie will either stop or slow down and look sideways up at me to announce overhangs as if pointing out what his concern is about. I can feel the sideways move of his head more than see it. By paying attention I am becoming more conscious of subtle changes in harness pressure, and Reggie becomes more confident in giving them as he senses my new responsiveness. I am concentrating now on allowing the harness to pull against my fingers, curled as though playing a piano, not so much holding the harness as allowing its pressure to hold it in place against my fingers. If my thumb touches the handle from behind I cue myself that I may be pushing Reggie rather than allowing him to set the pace.

I’m also correcting myself for “choking” the handle especially when we start off after a pause. This is either when you directly push the dog with the handle or you allow it to swing up to the point where your hand is nearly over the dog’s shoulders with your arm bent, more like pulling him into a faster pace. The leash is the correct method for commanding a faster pace when you’re sure you want it and it isn’t given. First of all though I try to understand why Reggie doesn’t want to move at the pace I want to go; he usually has very good reasons for wanting to take a slower pace. It’s then my job to decide whether I should observe those concerns, but only after appreciation for his pointing them out.

Reggie doesn’t seem to forget routes and locations once he’s learned them and learning them takes only one or two exposures. He remembers locations in Inwood now after two previous visits, one in deep winter snow. He knew this house right away on the second visit following a four month interval. He knows the route from here to Bettie’s house. He knows the way downtown and to the familiar café. He knew all his favorite spots on the extensive lawns around here when we returned for the third visit following six weeks away. I’m sure he can take me to specific locations without further direction when requested, but I haven’t asked him for that as yet.

Reggie is also sensitive to his environment and settles down with patience whenever I have a long visit with a client. Sniffing at carpets in homes inhabited by a cat or another dog is especially tempting, but he is disciplined once told there’s no time for newspaper reading. I don’t tell him this way, but Ruth compares a dog’s sniffing to a human’s newspaper reading – you know who’s been here last and what they did.

The other thing I was aware of that morning with the quickly shifting cloud colors and the first appearance of sunlight on the landscape was how transient this all is. There is only now to know Reggie as a young dog. He grows more mature every day and will be more settled in his habits before much longer. There is still time now to develop trust and intuition between us and to fine tune it to the best of our combined ability.

Relationship between dog and human is no different from a purely human one in that it is never fixed if it is alive and it depends upon shared trust and confidence in each other. It also depends upon genuine interaction between the two involved. Relationship is never a one-way street. If you want relationship you’re going to have to participate with all the honesty and openness you have and accept the challenge of growth.

Parenting Your Inner Child

Each of us has multiple selves inside. Rather than being the differing personalities sometimes reflected in Multiple Personality Disorder, these selves are part of our childhood, young adult and fully adult experiences. We become fully integrated as a whole personality when we are able to acknowledge each of these sometimes conflicting voices, allowing the fully adult self to wisely parent the less experienced voices in a loving way. The parenting adult self can only obtain the wisdom of its full adulthood by acknowledging and embracing the experiences of these younger manifestations of self.

Many of us never develop our fully adult selves, remaining for one or more reasons under the predominant influence of a younger self. Others develop the fully adult self only following considerable self-examination much later in life. Some of us in contrast have a relatively smooth progression through the personality development stages represented by these selves.

I was one of the second group as far as I am able to tell. My child voice maintained a somewhat controlling role in my expression at times of stress, while my young adult self acted as guide with immature wisdom, impatiently chiding and criticizing the child self after the fact for its emotional outbursts during stress. Needless to say, this young adult would be heroic self ended up with quite a load of guilt to manage.

This young adult self was filled with a sense of inadequacy and therefore refused to accept assistance from anyone around. More significantly, it refused to acknowledge the inner child at all. This self knew its childhood had been painful and it did not want to return there at all cost. Insecurity and inadequacy meant that to acknowledge the inner child voice might cause the young adult self to lose its emancipation and be trapped once again in the morass of childhood experience. The young adult self would attempt an outward show that everything was fine, even appearing to be wise to many people so long as it could avoid being caught out. Secretly it always feared detection not because it was trying to deceive, but because it didn’t want its inadequacies discovered. In short, it was and still is a typical bright, self assertive teenager.

My visits home once I had escaped that confining nest outwardly reflected this inner dilemma, though I failed to understand it at the time. I would feel fully adult in my college, early professional and then marriage environment only to feel myself pulled entirely back into my childhood set of emotions and behaviors once I had been back in the home environment for only a day or two. Indeed the struggle between new-found adulthood and re-imposed childhood emotional constraints began almost as soon as I would arrive home. I was gradually able to postpone the change as I grew older, but it took quite a time before I succeeded in making the change from an almost immediate sense of claustrophobia at being in the home environment again to a more developed state where I could postpone this suffocating feeling for at least a few days.

I only became aware a few years ago that I was not operating from a fully adult perspective. I was already well into my fifties by then. Counseling sessions with someone encouraging me to listen to myself with compassion and to acknowledge the younger selves within me needing expression and understanding, coupled with readings of Robert Bly, Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette among others, gradually allowed me to become aware of these inner voices and their influence over my present behavior even when not acknowledged. At first I could barely detect the inner child voice at all, but it gradually became more individual as I gave it more attention. The child had lacked secure love during my growing up years. What the child needed now was the secure love and guidance of my adult self as parent, the secure love and guidance it had not consistently received in actuality.

The result was the development of the real adult personality within me. The difference may not be apparent on the surface to anyone who has known me over the years of my life, but the difference is apparent to me. The child’s appearance in current experience is usually in fear based reaction to uncertainty or outbursts of exasperation of outright anger when faced with obstacles or complications especially when I am tired and less able to face things with detachment. The child can then take control as though finally able to assert itself in a way it found impossible during previous years or perhaps more accurately in the only way it found possible to express itself during that time.

Everything in my body and mind feels like behaving like a child in these instances. I can either allow these emotions to get the upper hand or call a timeout so that the adult voice can have the opportunity to reflect and speak. It then must acknowledge the child’s concerns and express understanding for its behavior without condoning it. Its job is to show the child there is a better way and convince the child that together we can manage to solve things without resorting to temper.

Needless to say this is not simply a one-time accomplishment after which I never have to work through this process again. Instead, as I’m sure you know, it is an ongoing process that develops through successive experiences. The vital element is that the younger selves who were discouraged in their chronological lifetime by inconsistent or totally lacking love and support receive encouragement now from a consistently loving and supporting adult self as parent. This is what Moore and Gillette call the King manifestation (archetype) as opposed to the Hero – finding its start in the teenage or young adult male, or the Magician or Lover, finding their start in child energy. All these manifestations ideally mature in the adult personality, losing their childlike qualities as the male grows, but the King is the person who draws them together in balance, ruling over them as a wise and loving parent. Interestingly, before developing my adult self I preferred to see myself as the hero or lover – if not puer aeternus (the eternal boy), viewing the king as rather stodgy and unimaginative. I see the person of the king quite differently now however.

Clraisa Pinkola Estes, in her book, “Women Who Run with the Wolves” exposes the feminine side of these archetypes while adding significant insight into male attributes as well.

What I am learning to do is to listen for who is talking when I find myself reacting to a situation in a certain way, particularly when I feel uncomfortable with my reaction. I am learning for sure that when I begin to feel irritable and impatient with other people my adult self is not present. An irritable king becomes the tyrant, the negative side of this form and anything but desirable. On stepping back sufficiently to become aware of my irritability I then have to stay quiet long enough for the adult self to collect itself and bring resolution to a situation that may be spiraling more rapidly out of control than I might have realized.

It may be important when difficulties and misunderstandings arise in relationship that we ask each other, “Who exactly is speaking just now?” – and also, “Do you think these feelings you have just now relate to some past experience?” If a past experience is being called up by present events then we can be almost certain that the child voice is involved somehow and needs immediate attention and comfort. One of the chief obstacles to good relationships occurs when our reactions to present difficulties are hijacked by past associations without our being aware. We may then find ourselves clobbering each other with emotional reactions to past events rather than dealing fairly with each other concerning present circumstances.

Dedicated self exploration through contemplation and self observation as we encounter challenging circumstances and interact with others each day can help each of us become more aware of voices from our past that indicate unfulfilled elements of our personality. Perhaps none of us are without an inner child that needs soothing or an adolescent that could stand to grow in awareness of the needs of others while expressing his or her own power. The important end goal is that we be in good relationship with our whole self and with others, especially with those closest to us. While committed partnerships may pose the greatest challenge to our ability to greet each day’s events with equanimity, committed partnerships may also provide another compassionate but firm voice to assist us to greater personal development than we might otherwise achieve.

Parenting Your Inner Child

 

Each of us has multiple selves inside. Rather than being the differing personalities sometimes reflected in Multiple Personality Disorder, these selves are part of our childhood, young adult and fully adult experiences. We become fully integrated as a whole personality when we are able to acknowledge each of these sometimes conflicting voices, allowing the fully adult self to wisely parent the less experienced voices in a loving way. The parenting adult self can only obtain the wisdom of its full adulthood by acknowledging and embracing the experiences of these younger manifestations of self.

Many of us never develop our fully adult selves, remaining for one or more reasons under the predominant influence of a younger self. Others develop the fully adult self only following considerable self-examination much later in life. Some of us in contrast have a relatively smooth progression through the personality development stages represented by these selves.

I was one of the second group as far as I am able to tell. My child voice maintained a somewhat controlling role in my expression at times of stress, while my young adult self acted as guide with immature wisdom, impatiently chiding and criticizing the child self after the fact for its emotional outbursts during stress. Needless to say, this young adult would be heroic self ended up with quite a load of guilt to manage.

This young adult self was filled with a sense of inadequacy and therefore refused to accept assistance from anyone around. More significantly, it refused to acknowledge the inner child at all. This self knew its childhood had been painful and it did not want to return there at all cost. Insecurity and inadequacy meant that to acknowledge the inner child voice might cause the young adult self to lose its emancipation and be trapped once again in the morass of childhood experience. The young adult self would attempt an outward show that everything was fine, even appearing to be wise to many people so long as it could avoid being caught out. Secretly it always feared detection not because it was trying to deceive, but because it didn't want its inadequacies discovered. In short, it was and still is a typical bright, self assertive teenager.

My visits home once I had escaped that confining nest outwardly reflected this inner dilemma, though I failed to understand it at the time. I would feel fully adult in my college, early professional and then marriage environment only to feel myself pulled entirely back into my childhood set of emotions and behaviors once I had been back in the home environment for only a day or two. Indeed the struggle between new-found adulthood and re-imposed childhood emotional constraints began almost as soon as I would arrive home. I was gradually able to postpone the change as I grew older, but it took quite a time before I succeeded in making the change from an almost immediate sense of claustrophobia at being in the home environment again to a more developed state where I could postpone this suffocating feeling for at least a few days.

I only became aware a few years ago that I was not operating from a fully adult perspective. I was already well into my fifties by then. Counseling sessions with someone encouraging me to listen to myself with compassion and to acknowledge the younger selves within me needing expression and understanding, coupled with readings of Robert Bly, Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette among others, gradually allowed me to become aware of these inner voices and their influence over my present behavior even when not acknowledged. At first I could barely detect the inner child voice at all, but it gradually became more individual as I gave it more attention. The child had lacked secure love during my growing up years. What the child needed now was the secure love and guidance of my adult self as parent, the secure love and guidance it had not consistently received in actuality.

The result was the development of the real adult personality within me. The difference may not be apparent on the surface to anyone who has known me over the years of my life, but the difference is apparent to me. The child's appearance in current experience is usually in fear based reaction to uncertainty or outbursts of exasperation of outright anger when faced with obstacles or complications especially when I am tired and less able to face things with detachment. The child can then take control as though finally able to assert itself in a way it found impossible during previous years or perhaps more accurately in the only way it found possible to express itself during that time.

Everything in my body and mind feels like behaving like a child in these instances. I can either allow these emotions to get the upper hand or call a timeout so that the adult voice can have the opportunity to reflect and speak. It then must acknowledge the child's concerns and express understanding for its behavior without condoning it. Its job is to show the child there is a better way and convince the child that together we can manage to solve things without resorting to temper.

Needless to say this is not simply a one-time accomplishment after which I never have to work through this process again. Instead, as I'm sure you know, it is an ongoing process that develops through successive experiences. The vital element is that the younger selves who were discouraged in their chronological lifetime by inconsistent or totally lacking love and support receive encouragement now from a consistently loving and supporting adult self as parent. This is what Moore and Gillette call the King manifestation (archetype) as opposed to the Hero – finding its start in the teenage or young adult male, or the Magician or Lover, finding their start in child energy. All these manifestations ideally mature in the adult personality, losing their childlike qualities as the male grows, but the King is the person who draws them together in balance, ruling over them as a wise and loving parent. Interestingly, before developing my adult self I preferred to see myself as the hero or lover – if not puer aeternus (the eternal boy), viewing the king as rather stodgy and unimaginative. I see the person of the king quite differently now however.

Clraisa Pinkola Estes, in her book, "Women Who Run with the Wolves" exposes the feminine side of these archetypes while adding significant insight into male attributes as well.

What I am learning to do is to listen for who is talking when I find myself reacting to a situation in a certain way, particularly when I feel uncomfortable with my reaction. I am learning for sure that when I begin to feel irritable and impatient with other people my adult self is not present. An irritable king becomes the tyrant, the negative side of this form and anything but desirable. On stepping back sufficiently to become aware of my irritability I then have to stay quiet long enough for the adult self to collect itself and bring resolution to a situation that may be spiraling more rapidly out of control than I might have realized.

It may be important when difficulties and misunderstandings arise in relationship that we ask each other, "Who exactly is speaking just now?" – and also, "Do you think these feelings you have just now relate to some past experience?" If a past experience is being called up by present events then we can be almost certain that the child voice is involved somehow and needs immediate attention and comfort. One of the chief obstacles to good relationships occurs when our reactions to present difficulties are hijacked by past associations without our being aware. We may then find ourselves clobbering each other with emotional reactions to past events rather than dealing fairly with each other concerning present circumstances.

Dedicated self exploration through contemplation and self observation as we encounter challenging circumstances and interact with others each day can help each of us become more aware of voices from our past that indicate unfulfilled elements of our personality. Perhaps none of us are without an inner child that needs soothing or an adolescent that could stand to grow in awareness of the needs of others while expressing his or her own power. The important end goal is that we be in good relationship with our whole self and with others, especially with those closest to us. While committed partnerships may pose the greatest challenge to our ability to greet each day's events with equanimity, committed partnerships may also provide another compassionate but firm voice to assist us to greater personal development than we might otherwise achieve.